Hallmark Hotties

This is the hottest Hallmark card list you’ll ever see.

Listen up Hallmark hogs, we have the ultimate sneak peek at this season’s sexiest Hallmark Cards. This exclusive peep show will give you the creamy insider load of the electrifying picks for this summer’s collection that will leave your friends gagged.

Two Butterflies Double Team Some Petite Flower


You won’t believe who’s beast mode best.

#7 Boiling

Starting off the power ranking, coming in seventh (last place) is the temperature “boiling.” Sure, boiling water is great for things like spaghetti. But you can’t drink it without absolutely disintegrating your mouth.

#6 Frozen

The only thing frozen water has going for itself is that it’s not boiling water. I would much rather drink frozen water than boiling water, because at least it’ll be like eating a flavorless Popsicle. The only conceivable way to drink frozen water is to hold it in your hand and lick it. Bad for drinking but great for throwing.

#5 Cold

Also known as iced water. Ideally, you…


College Presentation

Thank you for attending my Avian Genius 101 PowerPoint Presentation

Good morning, my fellow classroom constituents. Thank you all for attending my Avian Geniuses 101 PowerPoint presentation final at California Polytechnic State University.

First, I would like to take a moment to thank our instructor Mrs. Lanchester for the brief, warm introduction. Every class she has shown us that she’s the real avian genius. Ahem. What a truly remarkable semester. As a freshmen, I am astounded at the diversity of classes offered here at CalPoly. As for the people I’ve met in this class, I am truly honored to be in the company of so many incredible presenters. …


Employee Handbook

Woah! Lookin’ good, my man!

  • Did you get a haircut?
  • Nice haircut.
  • Lookin’ dapper with the haircut!
  • Hey, everyone, check out [coworker’s name]’s haircut!
  • Lookin’ good, buddy!
  • Lookin’ good, pal!
  • Lookin’ good, slugger!
  • You look different.
  • Did you comb your hair different?
  • I thought you looked different but I wasn’t sure if you did something different but now I know you are different.
  • Did they give you a refund? Just kidding. You look great, buddy.
  • Did they get mad at you? Just kidding. You look great, buddy.
  • Did they wear a blindfold? Just kidding. You look great, buddy.
  • Did you get your haircut yesterday? …

Humor

They’re smelling flowers while I’d rather be smelling their feet!

People watching: Cute! That old guy is feeding bread to the ducks.

Watching people: Cute! That old guy is feeding bread to the ducks. I would love to gag on his feet!

People watching: That guy is reading a newspaper on a park bench.

Watching people: While he reads the paper, I’d love to remove his socks and slurp up his toe jam with my tongue.

People watching: Ooh, tandem bikes! That looks like fun.

Watching people: Those cyclists are more than welcome to ride their bare feet in tandem across my taste buds so I can savor every skin…


Conversations with God

So, what you’re saying is that you can see… everything?

God: Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Eli. Before you can enter eternal paradise, I just have to review your records.

Eli: Sounds good.

God: Huh. That’s interesting.

Eli: What is?

God: You sure spend a lot of time in your bedroom with the door locked.

Eli: Oh, yeah! Been studying more. School is brutal. Damn it to Hell, am I right?

God: You’re failing most of your classes.

Eli: The teachers have it out for me, I swear to… you.

God: You’re aware I see everything, right?

Eli: … Uh, yeah. But, not when the door is locked, right?


Book Club

“I see you’re reading Frankenstein. Honey, you know you don’t need a book for that, just look in a mirror.”

Last night I laid in bed and read the book The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. My girlfriend says the book will make me more compassionate. When I finally turned the book right side up, I heard,

“No wonder you’re so pale. That forehead brow is so dense it shades your face like a canopy.”

I flipped the book over and saw its mouth open.

“Don’t act like you’re a book worm. You opened me just to update your Goodreads.”

It said to my face. It was right. How did my book read me like that?

“You don’t have to…


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Their its I of an a her of a much although the alright left oh last next every a of other a of our lot a.

So because through the too furthermore also on the soon due as of if of your more…


Life Lesson

You may want to have a seat for this.

Yeah, I know what happens when we die. If you really want to know, then listen up. You might want to sit down because it’s gonna get crazy.

When you die, your body gets a makeover and is thrown in the ground. Everyone you love watches this happen and is okay with it. God comes to you and says something epic like, “the time has come.” Then He gives you a battleaxe and you have to go around fighting bad guys.

Pretty soon after that, you’ll level up and you get to caste magic. I’m already planning to caste fireballs…


Relationship Advice

You know what I mean?

You: … you know what I mean?

Them: Yeah, yeah!

You: You know what I mean, though, right?

Them: Uh, yeah.

You: You do understand what it is that I’m telling you, right?

Them: Correct. If I was confused I would ask for clarification.

You: You KNOW what I’m conveying, right? Because I know you have a feeble tiny brain® and thinking hurts you.

Them: What is this? What are you doing?

You: I mean, right, you know? I ask because I am a big brain intellectual human with a superior grasp on history, mathematics, literature, and psychology. My brain…

Eli Magers

Short humor. Writer and performer who lives in Los Angeles, California. Tweets @elimagers

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