Starting off the power ranking, coming in seventh (last place) is the temperature “boiling.” Sure, boiling water is great for things like spaghetti. But you can’t drink it without absolutely disintegrating your mouth.
The only thing frozen water has going for itself is that it’s not boiling water. I would much rather drink frozen water than boiling water, because at least it’ll be like eating a flavorless Popsicle. The only conceivable way to drink frozen water is to hold it in your hand and lick it. Bad for drinking but great for throwing.
Also known as iced water. Ideally, you…
Good morning, my fellow classroom constituents. Thank you all for attending my Avian Geniuses 101 PowerPoint presentation final at California Polytechnic State University.
First, I would like to take a moment to thank our instructor Mrs. Lanchester for the brief, warm introduction. Every class she has shown us that she’s the real avian genius. Ahem. What a truly remarkable semester. As a freshmen, I am astounded at the diversity of classes offered here at CalPoly. As for the people I’ve met in this class, I am truly honored to be in the company of so many incredible presenters. …
People watching: Cute! That old guy is feeding bread to the ducks.
Watching people: Cute! That old guy is feeding bread to the ducks. I would love to gag on his feet!
People watching: That guy is reading a newspaper on a park bench.
Watching people: While he reads the paper, I’d love to remove his socks and slurp up his toe jam with my tongue.
People watching: Ooh, tandem bikes! That looks like fun.
Watching people: Those cyclists are more than welcome to ride their bare feet in tandem across my taste buds so I can savor every skin…
God: Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Eli. Before you can enter eternal paradise, I just have to review your records.
Eli: Sounds good.
God: Huh. That’s interesting.
Eli: What is?
God: You sure spend a lot of time in your bedroom with the door locked.
Eli: Oh, yeah! Been studying more. School is brutal. Damn it to Hell, am I right?
God: You’re failing most of your classes.
Eli: The teachers have it out for me, I swear to… you.
God: You’re aware I see everything, right?
Eli: … Uh, yeah. But, not when the door is locked, right?
Last night I laid in bed and read the book The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. My girlfriend says the book will make me more compassionate. When I finally turned the book right side up, I heard,
“No wonder you’re so pale. That forehead brow is so dense it shades your face like a canopy.”
I flipped the book over and saw its mouth open.
“Don’t act like you’re a book worm. You opened me just to update your Goodreads.”
It said to my face. It was right. How did my book read me like that?
“You don’t have to…
Before the fewer so the although an more to who through. An of the your a some. Enough the an a my however so under before the such. To up as an of an your of its through. Your of an a that through the however to neither or all of a our of our your a.
Their its I of an a her of a much although the alright left oh last next every a of other a of our lot a.
So because through the too furthermore also on the soon due as of if of your more…
Yeah, I know what happens when we die. If you really want to know, then listen up. You might want to sit down because it’s gonna get crazy.
When you die, your body gets a makeover and is thrown in the ground. Everyone you love watches this happen and is okay with it. God comes to you and says something epic like, “the time has come.” Then He gives you a battleaxe and you have to go around fighting bad guys.
Pretty soon after that, you’ll level up and you get to caste magic. I’m already planning to caste fireballs…
You: … you know what I mean?
Them: Yeah, yeah!
You: You know what I mean, though, right?
Them: Uh, yeah.
You: You do understand what it is that I’m telling you, right?
Them: Correct. If I was confused I would ask for clarification.
You: You KNOW what I’m conveying, right? Because I know you have a feeble tiny brain® and thinking hurts you.
Them: What is this? What are you doing?
You: I mean, right, you know? I ask because I am a big brain intellectual human with a superior grasp on history, mathematics, literature, and psychology. My brain…
Hail ‘fello. Aren’t thou new here? Cometh, ’tis I give thou the grand tour of the school grounds. My name is Charles and I’m one of the pupils at Winchester High, class of 1104. Hail Wildcats! Thou now attends the most prideful school in all of the British Kingdom.
Although, the black plague has obliterated most people in the royal lands, it shan’t stop us from smashing our sworn football nemesis, the York High Hedgehogs. Mostly because the plague has left them frail and weak. ’Tis a bunch of driggle-draggles! Please forgive my explicit language.
Like any school we have…
Dear Hiring Manager,
Thank you so much for reviewing my application for the vacant Press Release Writer position at Warby Parker Glasses & Prescription Glasses. Attached to this email, you will find my resume and CV letter. Per the application requirements, I have written a sample press release for a new product line of glasses releasing in the Fall of 2021. Here it is:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Did you want miracle eye daddy, Warby Parker, to bless your petite vision with thick thinned ball sack glasses? Then you need the new Fall 2021 Warby Parker glasses fashion line so you…
Short humor. Writer and performer who lives in Los Angeles, California. Tweets @elimagers