Are You a Beta Crow or Raven Chad?
Good morning, my fellow classroom constituents. Thank you all for attending my Avian Geniuses 101 PowerPoint presentation final at California Polytechnic State University.
First, I would like to take a moment to thank our instructor Mrs. Lanchester for the brief, warm introduction. Every class she has shown us that she’s the real avian genius. Ahem. What a truly remarkable semester. As a freshmen, I am astounded at the diversity of classes offered here at CalPoly. As for the people I’ve met in this class, I am truly honored to be in the company of so many incredible presenters. I don’t know how I will follow Dennis’ lecture on What Would Happen if We Dumped a Bunch of Penguins in Death Valley?
But, I ask you all to please follow me as I guide our attention to an unspoken hierarchical structure that persists within our great avian communities. I am speaking of the Evolutionary Differences Between the Beta Crow and Raven Chad.
For as long as life has existed, there have been two classifications of species: betas and Chads. The inferior beta is known for their subpar, lethargic lifestyle compared to the zestful, superior Chad. This pattern persists even among our studied aves.
The cornerstone to my final’s thesis observes the power dichotomy between the beta crow and the raven Chad. Observe:
Raven: Scientific name is “corvus corax” sounds slick, easy to remember, wise.
Crow: Scientific name is “corvus brachyrhynchos” probably made up, impossible to pronounce, obviously overcompensating.
Raven: Reverberating baritone squawk that enamors those who hear.
Crow: Jarring “caw” noise with attention seeking vocal fry.
Raven: Wingspan of 3.5–4 ft girth
Crow: Wingspan of 2.5 ft, surprises itself that it can fly.
Raven: Soars majestically through air.
Crow: Flying equivalent of a drowning cow.
Raven: Fluffed coat filled with shimmering feathers that glisten in the sunlight.
Crow: Feathers are made out of construction paper, probably.
Raven: Inspired world renowned literature that stands the test of time.
Crow: Literally eats garbage.
Raven: Punctuated thick, bold beak to show dominance and strength.
Crow: Beak has dissatisfying limp curve.
Raven: Wings make cool “swish” sound.
Crow: Wings have self-esteem issues and are scared to make noise.
Raven: Its dark and mysterious presence is irresistibly alluring.
Crow: Wakes you up at 6 AM because it found worms.
Raven: Flies with only 2–3 other ravens.
Crow: Has to fly in a large pack and call itself a “murder” to sound tough.
Raven: Lives off the Earth in a Walden-like rural countryside with limited resources.
Crow: Forgot how to hunt and must live in cities because it can only eat trash.
Raven: Can deliver a letter or message.
Crow: Can only delivery disease.
Raven: One letter away from “rave,” a cool, underground dance party.
Crow: One letter away from “cow,” a bloated bovine used for milking and poops in a field.
Raven: Has 10 to 15 years of vital life.
Crow: Only 7 to 8 years because of stress from inferiority complex.
Raven: Punctuated diamond shaped tail for efficient aerodynamic flight.
Crow: Flight performance is hampered by flaccid, chode-like tail.
I want to leave you all with one, final question. After learning about the differences between these two species, which do you identify as? The beta crow or the raven Chad?
Thank you for your time and I wish you all marvelous afternoon. No questions, please.
Oh, what was that? C-? I’ll take that.