Conversations with God
How 13-Year Old Me Thought a Conversation with God Would Go
God: Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Eli. Before you can enter eternal paradise, I just have to review your records.
Eli: Sounds good.
God: Huh. That’s interesting.
Eli: What is?
God: You sure spend a lot of time in your bedroom with the door locked.
Eli: Oh, yeah! Been studying more. School is brutal. Damn it to Hell, am I right?
God: You’re failing most of your classes.
Eli: The teachers have it out for me, I swear to… you.
God: You’re aware I see everything, right?
Eli: … Uh, yeah. But, not when the door is locked, right?
God: I think you might have made that up, because I can see through locked doors.
Eli: Oh… cool. Knowing that totally doesn’t change how I feel.
God: Here’s something else. The time you spent locked in your bedroom tripled when you learned how to use the internet with an incognito tab.
Eli: That is interesting! But, I just can’t see how anyone can extrapolate any meaning from that.
God: I also noticed that your mom has been buying you way more tissue boxes.
Eli: I have chronic allergies.
God: Well, could you explain why, in your sock drawer, there was a crinkled up 2006 May issue of Us Weekly with some sort of adhesive sticking together the pages that have women’s underwear advertisements on them?
Eli: … Not a clue.
God: Eli, do you know what this is? (God places a round object on the table)
Eli: Some cool new ball or something?
God: This is a dried up crusty wad of tube socks. Do you have any idea on how this became buried beneath the corner of your bed?
Eli: Huh, I really can’t think of a single reason.
God: The angel who found this had to wash their eyes with holy water.