I Just Flushed an Entire Roll of Paper Towels Down My Toilet ― What Do I Do Now?
My toilet bowel is gushing out hot water because I slam dunked a full roll of paper towels into that toilet tunnel and flushed it. How do I fix this? Only serious responses, please.
I don’t know why the toilet didn’t flush my family value “extra big” Forest Friend paper towel roll! I think it’s because the pipes are teeny tiny since this house was built in 1775. That’s when people probably had teeny tiny watery bowel movements, right?
I already tried convincing my mom (yes, I live with my mom, but I tell people that she lives with me so it’s not weird) that it’s like our bathroom is one big bath tub but she didn’t believe me. You have to reply super fast!
Here’s the Big Ugly Problem (Please don’t judge me!)
All I wanted to do was test the picker upper strength of the leading paper towel brand. I saw this commercial of a lady cleaning a spill and I thought that game was weak so I torpedo rocketed a whole roll into the toilet and flushed it.
What happened next truly shocked me.
Water rose like it does in my reoccurring nightmare where I’m trapped in a room and water rises from a mysterious hole in the floor.
I’m doing this personal finance thing so I wanted to see if the off brand worked as good as the name brand, because I vote with my money. Before you ask ― no, I am not calling my landlord and my mom is totally PO’d at me!
Why ― I Think ― The Toilet Isn’t Flushing
The pipes are really really small. They are super tiny compared to today’s heavy load pipes because they were built in like 1775 when they invented plumbing ― I think.
Not to mention, people’s poops (forgive my language) were really tiny back then because they were going through the Revolutionary War so they didn’t have as many Arby’s as they do now. Also, Clostridioides difficile was their pandemic, so all they needed were itty bitty piping. Now we have colossal sized pipes to compensate for the 45-year-olds slinging monster lard.
My favorite white no-show socks are getting drenched in this warm toilet water that’s geysoring out of the toilet. That means I have to use my knee high tube socks when I wear my red suede Pumas!
Oh, yeah ― the water is warm. Like an old bath. Or a middle aged dad who’s been soaking in a Jacuzzi even though he turned it off an hour ago because he didn’t want to go back to his life and the kids look outside their window and ask “what’s dad doin? It’s dark out…” and the mom replies, “just give him a moment.”
I happen to live in Los Angeles, California so it’s extra warm here because we’re closer to the equator. Also, I live right above the subway so all the exhaust heats the soil and makes everything wet.
Here’s What I’ve Tried So Far…
Okay, so this is everything I’ve tried to do so far:
- Pretended that the bathroom is actually a big bathtub
- Put more paper towel in the toilet (to stop the gushing)
- Removed toilet
- Threw down a bunch of sponges
- Video-d it and posted to Twitter to get the toilet cancelled
- Ate a bunch of Siete Grain Free Tortilla Chips with hummus because stress makes me want to nosh
- Took a nap
- Went to work because I used up all my sick days
- Scared the toilet
- Called the water company but they misheard me and doubled the amount of water
- Kayaked
- Dumped flower everywhere (works on fires?)
- Released a family of eels
- Pretended it doesn’t actually exist (this works most of the time but didn’t this time)
- Called the cops on the toilet
So, please let me know if you have any ideas on how I can fix this confusing predicament because I’m out of options.
What Do I Do Now?
So, now what?! I’ve been wrapping my head around this debacle all day while going between the movies and taking a nap. It’s super stressful and I don’t know what to do so please comment below or tweet me at @elimagers. As they say in the Mediterranean, “chow now!”
