Anatomy Lesson
My Hangnail Uncoiled All of My Skin
Even air hurts me.
Wow, Guinevere. I am so looking forward to this evening with you. I’m actually kinda nervous for our first date, ha ha! Oh, right… Before we go to Little Dom’s for some overpriced gourmet pizza and scallops, I just wanted to address the fact that my body doesn’t have any skin.
First and foremost, thank you for not attacking me with a rake or any other elongated blunt weapon. When people see me with zero skin, their first thought is that I am an undead ghoul sentenced to drag them to Hell. It’s exhausting. I have to tell them that I’m not some ghoul and that I simply lost all of my skin in an unexpected, horrific catastrophe.
But, before I tell you what happened, I just want to say that I probably won’t hold your hand tonight. My entire body feels like it’s on fire because every single nerve in my body is currently exposed. Buy me a drink first, right?
Fun story: someone cut me off in traffic the other day and I said out loud “they really got on my nerves,” then I had a good laugh… but then I started to weep because air hurts.
Anyway, I guess you’re probably wondering why I don’t have any skin. You see, I was watching a horrifying movie the other day. When I get nervous, I subconsciously pick at the edges of my nails where the skin curves over to the fingernail. Well, ‘lo and behold, I got a hangnail.
It pointed straight up and kept grazing my skin anytime I moved. So, I peeled it back. Then, like a banana, it kept coming off. Inch-by-inch, my entire skin layer uncoiled. Now, there’s a life sized replica of my skin at my house. When I come home late, I get scared because I think it’s an intruder.
Over time, it began to degrade. As I watched it wither I felt something odd. I actually felt sad. I didn’t want it to leave. So, I started to give it water and body. That evening, the skin suit bounced back — good as new!
We got along great. I would put him in funny positions around the house like in the shower, making eggs in the kitchen, or in at my neighbor’s window at night.
Then, the greatest thing in the world started to happen. My body grew back it’s skin. Isn’t that nuts? Just like a snake ― my body formed a new skin layer. You wouldn’t believe where it started either: my asshole. I couldn’t believe it. All source of skin grows from the center of your asshole out.
My skin grew back over the next few weeks. Soon I was normal again. But, then, I thought about a silly little thing. I would leave for work and be gone for about 9 hours in the day. My hollowed out skin suit double would be home all day ― alone.
So, I did it all over again. I made another skin clone. I recreated the scene exactly as I had it: scary movie, nervous tick, hangnail. Then, a me was born.
What I’m saying is… if things get… you know… steamy tonight. And we end up back at my place. Please, don’t freak when you enter my house and see 56 hallowed out skin clones of me. I’ve been doing this for a few months and it’s something I’m definitely “working” on. Anyway, do you want to nosh on some ‘za or―
―You’re gone. Honestly, probably a good call. Time to go home to pleasure myself exhibition style!
