My Sensational Job Application to Warby Parker
Did miracle eye daddy, Warby Parker, bless your petite vision with thick thinned ball sack glasses?
Dear Hiring Manager,
Thank you so much for reviewing my application for the vacant Press Release Writer position at Warby Parker Glasses & Prescription Glasses. Attached to this email, you will find my resume and CV letter. Per the application requirements, I have written a sample press release for a new product line of glasses releasing in the Fall of 2021. Here it is:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Did you want miracle eye daddy, Warby Parker, to bless your petite vision with thick thinned ball sack glasses? Then you need the new Fall 2021 Warby Parker glasses fashion line so you can get Warby Porkered. Stud bear Daddy Porker lasso dicked his good grace around your eye sockets to give you Fall 20/21 vision to see his hairy flesh colored tennis balls bashing you with beauty blessings.
Whether you’re an Aloe Crystal Thin Wire, Oak Barrel with Riesling, or Maple Watson Gusher, you know you love the wood of Warby Porker’s see through nuts dangling before your soul windows. You had submissivision and now you’re putting the ass in glasses!
And you know he doesn’t stop there.
Daddy Porker drives his hot hog slog dong ‘round town juice blasting his hot vision liquid to the nectar sapping ignorant dumbasses. That’s you. Nestling in his jammy jams, Eye Daddy Porker gentrifies your face with high rise skyscrapers puncturing your stupid eye sockets until you bleed perfect vision.
If there are two adjectives I would use to describe these glasses, it’s stupid and absolutely deranged. Like a rabid Cujo dog barking up Daddy’s torque wooden tree to get a better view, your glasses will let you see far and wide, which you’ll need when you’re entering Daddy Porker’s rectum cavity.
Daddy Porker must go to the Seven Eleven to buy spearmint gum because his breath reeks because he does not brush his teeth. Chew, chew, chew he stands on the curb outside listening to music from his stereo speakers erecting noise from his long shlong dong machine hog ride. Slurp, it’s appears he also bought a big gulp to help him swallow down all of the Johnson & Johnsons out there vying for his attention.
Now Pork Daddy Warby is considering retirement so he can withdraw from his massive 401dic(k).
If you want your vision Porked, then get in contact with your nearest nut sack framed outhouse near you. I’m sure there’s one nearby.
Warby Parker Glasses & Prescription Glasses
Thank you for taking the time to review my application. As a seasoned copywriter, the opportunity to hit the ground running with a respectable business like Warby Parker is invigorating. You can contact me over the phone at [redacted] or by email at [redacted]. I hope to hear from you soon!