Life Lesson
What really happens when we die, according to 5-year old me
You may want to have a seat for this.
Yeah, I know what happens when we die. If you really want to know, then listen up. You might want to sit down because it’s gonna get crazy.
When you die, your body gets a makeover and is thrown in the ground. Everyone you love watches this happen and is okay with it. God comes to you and says something epic like, “the time has come.” Then He gives you a battleaxe and you have to go around fighting bad guys.
Pretty soon after that, you’ll level up and you get to caste magic. I’m already planning to caste fireballs, which is the ultimate magic. But, then you find out that God is really the bad guy, so you have to fight him. He’s weak against fireballs so I’ll have an advantage.
After you beat God you get the legendary God sword that lets you fly around the universe doing whatever you want. I think I’m going to hang out on Mars and try to find some aliens. You also have a lot of sex. I hear that’s a good thing. When I die, everyday I’m going to eat McDonald’s Sausage Egg McMuffins, which I bet is better than sex.
When you come home you can hang out and play video games all day and drink Vault. You can also invite your friends over for a sleepover and they don’t even have to go home the next day. Your mom never runs out of BBQ chicken strips, either. Basically, every day is like Saturday and you get to do whatever you want.
How do I know this? Well, that’s the thing. I just do. It’s like I know that’s what happens when you die. I can feel it in my body, you know? I know we’re at grandpa’s funeral right now, but maybe he’s really the lucky one.
